YES. Everyone needs a little love.
If others can find it, why don’t I deserve it?
Am I really that ugly/boring/mean/terrible?
Really? I DON’T FEEL LIKE IT!!
I’ll need to stop crying.
I can barely see.
This is the deal now:
I have friends. I have an amazing sister, there’s Mira and Mystrea who I love with my whole heart, there’s Mesi, who is really nice and lovely although we only met once and we don’t know each other that well.
There’s Lara, that sweetheart Lara who deserves much more love than I give her. And Kamila! Who is like my bestest friend and Lea, who IS in fact I think my best friend… and many. many. more. In the last couple of days they have all expressed their concern and love for me and I still feel alone.
I don’t feel like talking to or meeting people but I feel fuckin’ lonely and when people come and say “I’m here for you, I love you, you can talk to me anytime you want” I just don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to say! That I feel alone? Yes, I do feel alone, but WHY when there are these amazing people around me? WHY?
I just don’t feel like . I just don’t know what’s wrong. I’m sitting here, crying and I. Have. No. Idea. Why!
EVERYTHING is wrong. EVERYTHING!!
I try to study and I can’t cause I don’t understand anything, I can’t concentrate! I sit above my books for hours and I just feel like collapsing. Then I listen to music and it doesn’t feel good. I can’t sleep, I never feel hungry, I can’t find anything to keep me occupied. I don’t even try to do creative things, cause I know I wouldn’t finish them. I wake up. Do something. And go to bed again.
I don’t feel like days matter.
I want someone to hug me. Just a good hug, that’s all I need.
And a reason to live.
LOL, HOW DEEP I AM.
Lol, look, I’m a suffering teenager feeling neglected and left out looking for life-purpose!
There goes my fuckin’ originality.
I’m not sure I’ll have the mood to write this tomorrow, so I’m writing it today 
I’m sad to see 2009 go, it was a great year. Probably the greatest with all its mistakes. I mean…
In January, I had a great time spent home with recovering from my disease, and also in January I went to school for the first time in a very long time. In February, I tried to pick up the pieces, I can say I’ve pretty much failed at this topic, but life goes on, what can we do? Albums got released, I got failed and passed tests, both life’s and school’s tests. I got to know two amazing people who I can always rely on.
In May-June, I felt the end coming and it was the sweetest feeling ever. Got assured about the stability of my condition, I was very glad to see summer arriving and I was also glad to get to know new people through musical obsessions.
August came and I wouldn’t like to go into details in connection with Sziget, you could listen to my whining for complete months, so when it ended, I felt empty and was also glad to see school coming. I felt occupied, I always had something to do with myself.
In September, “You-Know-What” happened to me, and it helped me gain the friendship of new people, which I’m still very thankful for. In October, I felt a bit tired, so autumn break was really welcome here. I consider November as the worst month in this year. I don’t remember if I’ve ever cried as much as I cried in November. Fortunately, I still had some people around me who listened to me anytime I had the urge to whine about my fucked up life.
December is going pretty well so far, although Christmas was more like any other days, only with a Christmas tree, I really had some sweet conversations with friends, I discovered a few things about them, about myself and 2009, coming to an end… it’s not cool at all.
What I’m expecting from 2010 is changing. Mainly changing myself, I have this regretably uncool attitude towards school, and I hope I can change it someday. Concerts…. Highly recommended. Getting sure about my aims, which I’m starting to see a bit clearer than before.
What I’m surely going to do in 2010 is paying more attention to those who I love and not about those who I don’t care about, and who don’t care about me. What I hope is that those people I don’t like will leave me alone and rather care about themselves then about damning me. We don’t appreciate damning. But I saw a T-shirt with the inscription: “If others damn you. DAMN BACK!!!” We’re really not that type.
Oh, and we should really stop talking about myself as a “we”.
In school, I’m going to do my best, although I’m quite sure I’m gonna fail at. Physics. Not really awesome, lemme tell ya. Butbutbut, I’m trying to keep my head above the surface. But yes, it keeps feeling like drowning. Still not awesome.
Anyway, and I’m definitely not going to cry as much as cried this year. Holy shit, it was more like dessication than crying. Whatever.
Bye, 2009, I’ll always love you. <3
And 2010, hold on just for a sec. We’re really gonna rock you.. You know. Me and… Tia.
Blaaah, I’m so cliché… seriously. Getting closer to 17, I discovered I have nothing. My only aim is to survive – so far – and all things music. But where to start? WHAT to start? I hate to be this cliché… 
I wanted to be unique, but I guess I tried so hard that I became the biggest stereotype of my own life. Distasteful.
And the other thing is that if I could I would do what I’m doing now in my whole life. Nothing. And talking. And listening to music. Basically being lazy, living like a queen (without money), but to be honest, “Nothing” won’t pay the bills and feed me. Unfortunately.
I love this period of the year. Not Christmas, it’s not that Christmas, like it used to be. I’m not a small child anymore, but this laziness is delightful. Until I realized I love doing something. Something that is not in connection with rude people. I love going to places, being active… but the place where I’m going and the object of my activeness, these things do matter, unfortunately.
I guess it’d be better if I shut up.
I was thinking of stopping to write this blog.
I have a few blogs and I love my freeblog blog much better than this and I only write here, because I feel like it’s an obligation, you know and feel guilty if I miss writing for a long time. Tia does not really like this feeling so I’m might finishing this blog soon. For good.
Maybe I’ll start it again, maybe I won’t even finish it.
Maybe I won’t say goodbye, just stop here and all…
Maybe I’m starting to write my material diary.
My back hurts. Like hell. I feel like stuffing my fist into my own mouth to stop myself from screaming.
Medicines don’t seem to work.
I’m not a happy camper. Not even a little.
I am such a crappy friend. I don’t listen to her. I’m sick of hearing about how awesome it is for her…
I HATE IT.
I hate her? Probably. But WHY???
I’m jealous. I HATE MYSELF FOR BEING JEALOUS.
I wanna quit this place. But I won’t. I’ll do it… whatever it takes.
I found out a funny nickname for myself… Only-lonely 
Awesome.
Anyway. I just left her on MSN alone. (or probably not alone, because she has sooo many friends now, you know)
I wanna cry.
I feel sick, I feel dizzy if I only think about that tomorrow I have to go among people. There’s something wrong with this, I don’t like it and want to change. I’m sick of people. Those people. BUT WHY? I think I’m gonna cry.
I guess I’m just playing drama queen again.
Or one of you… which you like.
I’m a drama queen, I’ve just figured that out.
And I’m thinking and thinking and thinking and I’m EMBARRASSED BY MY THOUGHTS, I would like to… quit my head or body and live somewhere else. On a cloud for example. I have nothing. I’m so close to my family, I would like to spend all my time with them, if I could. (“and if you could then you should…”) And I would like to spend all my time with those who like me, but guess what, they live in Brazil and Poland and Austria, and in the United Kingdom, and in the USA, and they live in Belgium and in Germany and France and hell, Japan….
I’m sick of my own thoughts and I can’t stop them. I’ve lost control over my mind and it’s like not even music can erase what these thoughts do to me.
I wonder when can I finally have a bit of rest… I guess after Saturday… six days. Six days… doubts… thoughts…. homework.. tests (at least one), oral presentations.
I’m definitely looking down on people. It’s not good. I have to change it. I have nothing to be proud of I should… Do English people say get off the high horse?
Anyway, I’m doing it… sub… consciously….. Or whatever. Not my fault.
I want a Gibson ES-335. Or a Rickenbacker (whataname) 620.
Now. kthx
I’m a jealous person. I hate being jealous.
SEE? I’m doing that again. I hate it… STOP THE VOICES. I’m definitely going crazy.
There’s this girl that I like very much. She’s a bit older than me (not like there were any situations where I cared about ages), and she totally understands me. She appreciates me and my things. She said I have an incredible style She’s just awesome, I love her, she has this likable style, with that artist soul…..
Being self-concentrated for a minute: Is this true? Am I really a good person? I’m so rarely told I’m good at anything that I can hardly believe when someone does. Yeah, I’m not open enough. But would anyone care about my “incredible style” if I have it? And what should I do in life with what I have, it can be incredible/distasteful/cute/interesting/evil style or just.. ANYTHING, you know… In this li(ght and on this evening)fe people have to possess one of these two things: Talent – Money. Well. I don’t feel like having any of ‘em.
Anyway, until the next compliment, this one will make my days I guess.
If MTV Hungary seems to get our awesome Editors concert off the schedule.
It’s more like DamnTV Hungary.
Holy crap, I just made that up!!!
I found the hardest and the easiest part of the conversation with her.
The hardest is when she talks about how great her new class is and I have to say: “I’m glad” It’s pretty hard. And it is hard, because I’d like to tell her how scared I am, but how could anyone bring her down when she feels this awesome? I could never. Of course, this makes me sad.
BUT. The easiest is when I said to her: “You deserve it.” and then the question which is pretty hard again…
Do I deserve it? – Saying no would be a lie. Why wouldn’t I? Would saying “yes” be too selfish?
And hey, I was thinking about something else. My life was never… ordinary. I never lived it like everyone else. Or. ANYONE else (but maybe it’s not true) and times like these, I start to wonder. Maybe these thoughts that I’m practically DYING to share are not supposed to be shared. I just can’t know it, cause I was never taught how to live life properly.
It’s not like I’m blaming my parents, seriously.
But thinking deeper, if those thoughts are supposed to stay for me, then properly lived lives must be bloody lonely. But those lives when you have no one to share these thoughts are lonely too. I guess.
Anyway, don’t care about me, I’m sick of my thoughts either. Shut up, Tia. Go and do some Photoshop. x]
Blah, I hate myself. Am I too complicated? Sometimes I feel it’s an endless war with my inner… self…
She got home from her first day in the new school and she told me it was awesome, everyone’s nice and they had fun together and all that. Which is very good. I’m so glad she found a nice place for herself.
See? Not every high school community is so lame as ours.
Anyway. I was at “BUT!” But I feel sad. Of course I feel sad, cause my friend left, who wouldn’t be sad? AND the fact that I seem unable to be glad for her happiness (I mean TRULY glad, not that “haha, that’s good” glad) makes me feel lame and untrue. And fake. I’m sooo fake…
Sorry, Gary’s here to make me happy.
So.. it makes me feel fake. And I’m fake on a whole new level, cause I said she wasn’t strong enough, right? Well, shit! She was. She was complaining, of course, everyone was (I mean everyone I cared about) and leaving is not the sign of being weak. It’s the sign of being different and being smart and strong enough to admit: “Yes, I can’t do this anymore. Not like this.”
So she’s strong in every sense of the term.
But me? What am I doing? I’m here, in my bed, although I should be in school (not exactly right now, cause it’s four PM, but you got my point) and I’m hiding. I’m pretty sure this disease is just the.. fiction of my mind but my mind is sooo believing it, that it’s helping my body with showing symptoms.
That’s what I call being weak. And coward. I’m coward.
I hate myself. My dad, my mum, my sister, they’ve never been this coward. I should be like them, cause of blood and family. But no. I’m fucking weak. And fake. And lame. And all these bad things. I’m slowly starting to get why do people near to me hate me. And why do those people like me, who like me… Cause they haven’t seen my reactions in situations like these. Okay, I might be funny when it comes to music and being fan of this and that, but they are made situations, I can create them, but life is something that already existed when I arrived.
And this is how I wear my life.
Looks terrible, just so you know.
And for the very first time of my life, I have no idea how to handle myself. How could I expect from others then, to know how to handle me?
I should so hang myself on a warning or something.
Ahh, even Michael Bublé is unable to make me feel better, although he’s freaking good at that..
Anyway, leaving now. See ya.
