I’m watching these Extreme Makeover / Home Edition episodes and you know, families and whatever…..
And you know, in every family that has a father, the father is the one who stands for the whole family and I wonder what my life would look like if I had my father. I loved him more than ANYTHING, you know, like a cliché girl loves her family. Anyway, my life has changed sooo much since he’s gone and I wonder what kind of person would I be if he was still alive.
I’d not be this lazy, that’s for sure, my mum was always the kinder one, she lets me do a lot of things, but I don’t really need them, still, I think my dad would not let me surf on the net so much. Which would mean I wouldn’t have so much friends on the internet…
I don’t know what he’d do in connection with my little problem with… socializing. But I have an idea. He always supported me no matter, which way I was about to choose. He liked how I changed during the years and I think he’d like the way I’ve changed in the last five years. (holy crap, it’s been five years) and according to this, I think he’d f*cking kick the ass of every freakin pud monkey who hurts me…
I went through a lot of bad things because of his death, I had my worst year in 2004, I can’t even remember how I survived it but I did and now I can speak about the “what if”s.
I mean not the “what if I call the ambulance a bit earlier” stuff, but the “what if”s that I’ve just mentioned.
And I had a dream, a reeeeaaaally weird dream which makes me happy and sad and go like: MWHAHAHAHAHAAA, and it’s nothing eyecandy-related stuff, it’s just… Mwhahahhaaa!!! xD Incredible, seriously :O It’s not like it’s gonna happen anytime soon.
Or ever. Still… why not?
Holy crap, what am I thinking? :O
Woaaa, I shouldn’t drink milk before going to bed x]
Is it because I won’t go to school until next Monday and I can be relaxed until then, or is it because my “one year ago” syndrome’s just hit me again. One year ago, I had my second operation. Or.. I was having my second operation. Hold on, I look it up in my other blog.
Idk, I didn’t write the exact date. Anyway, it was about… noon? (I hate this word)
Soooooooo, according to my over-emotional subconsciousness, I’m having this nostalgic feeling right now. Because the You Found Me video came out that day and, and I was listening to that song before the surgery and when I woke up during the surgery, it felt (reeeeeaaaaallly coooooold and I couldn’t swallow and I couldn’t breathe, cause there was a GODDAMN PIPE in my throat) like I heard this song too and when I opened my eyes I saw the operation room and all the scary people(‘s legs) and WOOOOAAAA, it’s been one year (and fourteen months but I still ain’t over you…. *singing* HEEEYYY, I’M THE BLOOD IN YOUR VEINS, I’M THE COLD WHEEEN IT RAAAAAAAAIINS, I’M YOUR HEART WHEN ITTTT BREEEAAAAKSSSS) and and and it feels good.
And times like these, I decide not to care. Anyway.
OTHER TOPIC!!!
So my computer deepfroze yesterday (especially my MSN) and I restarted EVVERYTHING. And when I logged back in my MSN, TEN WINDOWS POPPED UP and I was like: Wtf… Exactly ten… Two of my classmates, Detti, my sister, one of my friends from (hell, I don’t know where he lives), and FIVE foreign friends wrote to me.
WOOAAA. Anyway, it was interesting, I wrote here and there and everywhere (I guess this is how being important might feel like).
So I had a few weird conversations, a few heartfelt, some funny and several.. neutral ones… But every one of them put at least one brick to my house of calmness.
That was lame. But true, I feel a bit relaxed now, like nothing bad is going to happen. I don’t believe, just hope, you know.
And besides, I got a “:)” from Jonathan Jones on my “wall” on Facebook and it’s ahh. Feels good Like when he said “There’s always hope”. I like these happy guys, seriously, they can make my day everyday
No. Depression is not gone, but it is until I have a few days off, thank you.
Oh, and those people who I though they’re gonna fight… well, they apparently won’t, so this makes me feel even more awesome *-*
Why is The Hundred Million Suns this quiet? >.< It’s gonna scare the shit outta me when the next album starts -.-”
So I had this very interesting conversation with one of my “FRIENDS” (holy crap, he was never my friend). It started like: “Hi, what’s up?” I told him: “Nothing much. What’s up to you?” Him: “Nothing, why did Detti leave?” I told him I don’t know and after he asked me how so, I told him that sure I know but I can’t tell him, cause I promised my friend I won’t and if he wants to know it so much… “Ask her yourself”
Then he started to terrorize my soul (is that such word “terrorize”?). At first, his first very gentle question was: “And? When will YOU leave?” and then, like it just.. slipped out of his mouth he said “I mean what you’re gonna do without her?” I told him I don’t know and I’m probably going crazy soon.
Then he gently asked me not to go totally insane in “our school”. Like it wasn’t my school either, get it? It totally pissed me… up(?) and I told him: “There are other insane ANIMALS in our school and at least I’d have company and we could organize tea parties. (Man, I so didn’t care it was childish, it entertained me in that moment) AND he started this nightmare-like scaring when – you know – you see yourself laying in the bad and big-big monster faces appear above you and start to shout like: “YOU’RE ALOOOOOONE…….” “YOU’RE ON YOUR OOOOOWN-Oooown-ooown-own….” And echoing and all that.
Just he wasn’t shouting….
Anyway, he also told me he’s very interested how long our “dream friendship” will last (this is the exact way he said) and I told him he knows jack about our relationship and maybe he’s very pleased with his above-average ability to judge people and decide whether he’s going to be kind to them or not to the snap of his fingers but it’s crap! He knows nothing about us. Because what’s in school, is not all that really happens.
Oookay, the closing of the conversation was also kind of funny.
It went like this:
Him: Just one last thing and I have to go.
Him: There’s always a choice that YOU make.
Me: What? We can be friends and we can be enemies?
Him: No, I promise you that the two of us will never be friends anymore.
Him: You can save yourself from going insane.
Me: Amen.
Me: Good night.
And I haven’t even banned him. I think that’d been way too childish.
Whatever. Seriously. I don’t care what he’s doing. He can attack me with his followers, I won’t be like an other not really beloved person in our class who just sits in silence and bear (?) everything, I will talk back. Seriously! Okay, I’m not a very… intelligent person, I can’t think really fast, and all the good talk-backs pop in after it’s too late and the conflict is already gone BUT, I can’t let myself.
I mean that’s not my… way… or what…… I hope no one will damn me, I hate it.
First of all, I’m listening to Snow Patrol so anything can happen in this post.
Secondly, it’s the Mencap Little Noise Sessions version of Chasing Cars, so it’s even worse.
I found out how amazingly better things could be if I only had a boy in my life who loves me. I know, I’m young, I haven’t experienced half of the love I will in my life (hopefully) (maybe a lot more than a half, btw – hopefully), and you can tell me that I’m too young and I shouldn’t think of boys in my age, because school is first and studying is much more important than anything else in this life and I should just stop being such a whiny brat and stand back on my two feet again, go on with life and ALL, but I don’t want to! Sue me!
For god’s sake.
Maybe I’m way too emotional. I probably am. I’m DEFINITELY, okay? I’m probably the biggest cliché ever!!! And? I still would like to… idk. Feel someone’s true touch. And I’m definitely not talking about sex, okay? Just… hug…. Or these girlish things, like hand-holding and stroking…. and… blahh, I guess no one cares about this. But then why’d anyone care about my blog. Why am I even writing it?
I should stop it. I should get back to my old-fashioned material diary. It was much more fun.
I’m probably asking too much from life….. *sigh* Or maybe I’m overreacting this whole damn thing.
Anyway. LOVE is important.
For you, maybe it’s not, but it is for me! And after I experienced the most untrue type of it, it’d feel good to meet a real one.
….
…….
………….
………………….
Maybe Gary Lightbody….
….
It wouldn’t be me if I didn’t say that.
But Tom Smith is also kind of welcome.
…..
What?
My expectations are not high, okay?
And don’t think I’ll be that ‘reblogging every damn love-related pictures on tumblr’, cause I’m not. Everyone’s reblogging kittens and love pictures.
Gahh… okay. I’m sick. Seriously. Or… more like, not-seriously, cause I have a bad habit of starting to show all kinds of symptoms as soon as something bad is about to happen. “Loneliness” is the bad thing and my throat, head, ears hurt and blahh, it’s just not good. I wonder if it depends on my current… situation… then it’ll never go away. Unless Detti comes back. Sorry if I used “unless” the wrong way, I never know how to use it correctly. Like OTHERWISE. Although it’s a wonderful word.
Anyway.
Idunno. It’s like… ahm, I want to… blaaaaahh… “All this feels strange and untrue…” But seriously!!! :O I never felt this confused. I should see a doctor maybe – i will, actually.
I don’t wait Christmas.
- LIIIEE!!!
Okay, I wait Christmas, but as soon as it’s here, someone, plleeeeaaase freeze time or something, cause… cause I don’t want it to move any further. Or maybe, if Christmas has passed, you can… speed time up, so the whole freaking year would be over finally!
Here’s what I was thinking about, and let me know if I’m a pathetic idiot, but this is the truth.
This first half of the year passed quite quickly (it’s not fully passed yet, but soon, it will be, just eleven days in school (+ a weekend)), because me and my sister were like: “AHHH, I WANT SZIGET BAAAAACK, BOO-HOOOOOOOO!!! :’(” And we were doing it so long, that we haven’t really noticed how fast time flied. So far. And it’s good. Seriously. No one likes school. I mean… no one would choose school over summer… show me someone who would and I show you someone whose thoughts don’t make any sense.
Anyway. But now that Detti’s gone and all that, and I have to take part in the school and all kinds of “social activities” without her, time. will. not. fly. anymore. It. will. crawl. on. its. two. knees. ridiculously. slowly.
And it’s not good. Maybe I should do what I was thinking about. Just… .close my eyes, gather the positive energy from… from somewhere (details are not entirely clear, sorry) and just survive somehow. (I told you they’re not clear yet!!!)
I know, if only I tried to accept. But no. I’m not the accepting-type, sorry. I mean.. I don’t accept what I don’t want to accept. Yesterday, I was quite… knocked out by this disease I have, and I just closed my eyes, laying here with my laptop and I was thinking…. what would have happened if I’d got angry with Detti after she told me she’s about to change school. I could have just… said: “WHAT?? YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME!!!!” and run away. I could have been a bit more selfish. But I don’t know, I guess I’d have been selfish either way…. *sigh*
Stop me from thinking, it’s just started to hurt. Physically.
Okay… one year ago on 8th of December, I had my second surgery. When they… uhm, Let’s not talk about it. Anyway, the “strange” thing is that the only thing on/in my body that is not in a bloody pain right now is my back :O It… kinda… gives me a lift.
It’s time to talk about myself again, like I wasn’t doing it all this time.
IT IS NOT HARD TO LOVE ME. I mean, these awesome girls didn’t find it hard at all! And I met some of them, so you can’t say it’s only because they haven’t met me. I don’t know what these thoughts mean. A psychologist could tell it. Maybe I should start to see a doctor again. ._.
I played this song on the bus. While walking on the street, crossing the road, leaving the house, everywhere. If my sister and my mother weren’t sitting here in the room, I would sooo COL (cry out loud x])
I would like to. Seriously, I’m going to… I think it will happen today. I don’t know how long can I hold it back.
Anyway. My best friend left my school. I went through all the options, questions, thoughts and I didn’t find myself guilty in the case. Thank you.
To tell the truth, when we said goodbye (that “not really goodbye, but still, goodbye, cause I love you and I will miss you” goodbye and “i know we’re gonna see each other soon”-goodbye) and she left the bus station to go back to the school, I wanted to grab her coat and shout like: DON’T GO AWAY, DON’T LEAVE ME HERE ALONE!!! I DON’T WANT YOU TO GO!!!
I should have. I haven’t really tried to talk her down. I just asked “for real for real?” and she said “yes” and I guess that’s when it got decided. Anyway, it’s still kind of kind from her. She stayed this long only because of me and our form master. And I seriously started to think about leaving the school. I don’t know where should I go or when or why….. I mean.. I know why. I freakin hate to be lonely. And I would like to gather AAAALL my friends from AAALLL around the world and gather them into one class and it would be the happiest class ever!!
I’m lonely Tom Smith told once “there’s beauty in the lonely”, but I don’t really see any beauty in this f*ckin lonely.
AND I AM ANGRY WITH HER!!! I mean, why couldn’t she be stronger? But this is stupid, cause she has to follow her way. And if that way leads to another school, I must accept it. Who am I to (save you? to try and tame you, now that you are freeeeee of meeee…) tell her what to do? I’m not her mother. I’m not her.
I must have fever. Seriously, I’m talking about things I’d never talk about with people I’d never thought I will. Anyway. So her. HER. She’s gone. And I don’t know what to do. I’m seriously feeling ill, and I’m not in the shape to talk about this. I don’t know how will I go on without her. I guess I got used to having someone by my side. I know how should I spend my days in school until I leave it too, but it wouldn’t be good. It’s not what high schools supposed to be about.
I should really leave my school now, like Detti did. But where would I go? English is very important for me and as soon as I get the chance, I’d like to go to Great-Britain. And it’s not about the festivals These times when I talk about how much I love them, they’re all jokes, seriously, I love GB for its festivals, but I really like those people’s attitude, I like their sense of humor… and I’ve cried so much during this day… and my head hurts soooo bad.
And I want Kamila, Kayla, Allison, Lara, Brigi, Leia, Ania, Fizzu, Dóri, Dóri (the other one x]) and well… Detti to study in my school. Right now. My mum is sleeping here. Oh, she’s not sleeping. The advantages if your mother can’t speak in English: you can write about your plans about leaving your school without her knowing it. I’m evil maybe.
Anyway. Detti said those people whose lives are easy now, they’ll suck later. I suck now… I want to have an easier life… later… I should find out what I want to be when I grow up….. musicmusicmusic.
I wanna play the drums. Right now. I’ll form an indie rock band. Or a supergroup like The Reindeer Section. :O
I live in my dreams, holy crap.
So… let’s try to give some sense to all this stuff I just wrote here.
My friend left me. I’m lonely.
I want to leave too. I don’t know how.
I guess it’s just way too scary for me that everything was sort of AWESOME and it turned AWFUL just… suddenly. To the snap of gods’ fingers, or idk.
This could be the title of a song. Anyway… I think I was born to the wrong place….. in the right time. I mean, The Fray go back to the studio to make the new record in January!!! THAT’S A GOOD THING. But what is it worth if I don’t have anyone I can discuss it with? I mean, Detti is a person who listens to what you say, no matter if she doesn’t care about it. I mean, for god’s sake, she knows me as much as my sister does, and that’s serious :O And she knew all of my obsessions, my little arghs, you know, I tell her everything… and… and this is when I start to think about that maybe she’s such a good person that she got fed up with my things and left, but she wouldn’t tell me.
Cause that’s how she rolls.
I tried to write something about what I feel. I don’t know how to solve this… I seriously don’t. And I want to have some rest finally. Maybe I’m going insane. Sorry if I was incoherent, sorry if you don’t get anything, sorry if you… ahm, whatever.
38,4 °C. That’s not good.
“You give the strength to me, strength I never had,
I was a mess you see, I’d lost the plot so bad,
you dragged me up and out, out of the darkest place,
There’s not a single doubt when I can see your face(s).”
But I know I’m asking too much. I always want everyone to know which is the proper time to ask me: How you’re doing?
…
But to be honest. To be truly… TRULY honest. No one gives a damn what I consider as the proper time. Cause no one gives a damn how I’m doing.
Although I’m doing pretty bad, you know. It’s not the school. It’s not my “friends”, it’s not love, it’s yes, it’s the one-year-ago-me, it’s the one-year-ago-situation… and it hurts like hell. Like… hell, am I this lazy that I want to get that December back? Because from the moment I got home, I didn’t feel the pain. It was like…. banished by happiness. Although you can’t imagine how a spine can hurt…
Hoollllyyy friiggggiiin crap. A SPINE CAN HURT VERY MUCH!!!
Andjsihjskyd.
I have these little things that I experienced. That I’ve never thought I’ll ever experience. Like this whole spine-fluid thing. Seriously, it popped in on Sunday and I just can’t forget. I can feel the tickling of those drops on my leg. The night before the second surgery. All the old ladies in my room said that: Oh, that’s a small surgery, please, pick up my glass from the floor. And I did pick it up, hell yes, I did. Cause I’m not impolite. I couldn’t just get back to my bed and: “No. It hurts way too much.”
I picked the damn glass up. And I had this thing on my back. They said it was my back, but it was like a heavy bag. It looked like a heavy bag. And you know… imagine that you’re a 15-year-old girl… knowing you’re gonna be operated tomorrow. You’re frightened, you’re scared. Cause you are, you would have been, if you’d been me that time. Imagine that it hurts very much, imagine that all those.. things… that are in your spine, just… kinda… flow out… and flow down your back…. down your leg and like… form a small puddle under your legs… imagine that you go to bed… last night before the surgery… you wake up next day and all your blanket is brown….
Can you imagine the humiliation? Well, no, you can’t.
It’s not like I shat my bed or something, it was the fluid from my back, but it was scary anyway. And humiliating. Feeling that you need others’ help. Those people’s that you know they’d give their help with pleasure. But it breaks you for some unknown reason.
Well, it was disgusting even with only telling half of the story…
And you know… I felt old. REALLY old… I mean… the methods I used to get to the toilet. To stand up from there. To have shower, hell, to BRUSH MY TEETH…
ahjdsijckxy…
And my family won’t ask how I’m doing, cause they don’t have to. They know exactly – I guess. And I’m not expecting this from them. But from someone else…. seriously, it’d feel so good. But I know that if this person asked it, it wouldn’t be true.
Sowhatever.
I wonder if that person’s reading my blog.
Uhm. Hi! Yes, I talked about you.
Just.. pretend to be unaware of this post and walk away.
That’s right. Keep walking… keep walking!
Oh, shut up, Tia.
(yes, I’m aware of my possible grammar mistakes in my post, I just don’t care. I should make a T-Shirt with the inscription: Yes, I know. But I don’t care. – Not an original idea, huh?)
And all this came with listening to Say When by The Fray. Yes. I’m proud of it. Hjdsklkcsdhnc. Why am I this emotional? Sometimes I hate it.
Still… why not?
Or these girlish things, like hand-holding and stroking…. and… blahh, I guess no one cares about this. But then why’d anyone care about my blog. Why am I even writing it?
